and the scariest thing ever

is you ignoring me

i hate how i cannot find you. i hate how you never pick up my calls or call me back or reply or even acknowledge my texts.

it just hurts so badly to know that i will not be able to talk to you or hear your voice anymore, the same voice and words that kept me going through all the tough times we had in the past. i hate how it is really so easy for you to ignore me now. looking back, i guess i deserve it. i deserve your ignorance because i was the one who wanted the breakup, and i was the one who said we shouldn’t talk and a part of me still stand by that.

today was a bad day. i thought about you a lot, too much. i thought about all the things we said we wanted, and how badly we both cried on the phone that night. “please, i’m sorry, i’m now more than 100% sure that you’re the one for me, don’t leave me, i love you so much” and i loved hearing that from you, but i told myself to be strong and reject that. “no, don’t say that.” “i know it’s difficult for you.. but, please” “i don’t know..”

and i thought for a moment you meant what you said. pushing on, you did not mean anything at all. zilch. in fact, you’re ignoring me. i remember a few days ago, i’ve never felt so stressed about school in my life and the only person i wanted to talk to was you. yes, i’m glad i have so many friends around me whom i know will be the happiest to spend time with me and listen to me but all i wanted was your attention. your voice telling me i will be okay. but i called and called to no answer. i felt so miserable i could die, and i could only blame it on myself. who else.

then i remembered when you first got that new job, we were both so happy. i was so happy for you because it was so promising, and everything we’ve been praying for. you told me you’d be much more busier and that it’d be for our future and that’s what you’ll work towards. i tried to adapt to the long hours and the lack of free days. the first 2 months, we didn’t even get to see each other, and the dates got so scarce when i finally get to see you i felt afraid of the stranger you looked like. you got thinner, your hair’s a bit different and you’re wearing a new shirt. i wasn’t part of your life anymore. i tried to pretend i was okay with it, i justified it with you working hard for what we want, but even then the relationship took its toll on me. i was moody all the time, anxious and all the bad things.

after awhile you stopped trying to pacify me. you got angrier and angrier at me and one day you cheated on me. still we wanted to work it out but no, it did not work out. the light at the end of the tunnel in the beginning has turned into an angry monster of hate, distrust, dissatisfaction and soon you admitted that work has become more important than me. you couldn’t afford to spend time keeping up with our relationship because work consumed your time and effort. i hated it and i still hate it.

i hate how everything just crumbled like that. when i think about the things we said we wanted: to meet each other at least twice a month, to try this restaurant and go to this place, to one day settle down together and i’ll be your house slut and have little us(s) and we’ll have the most amazing life and in a parallel universe future, what would those people say about us if they knew how we went down the other road and just gave up on each other?

i wish, i just wish i was more sure that this had been the right decision, that i don’t miss you at all or want to talk to you every time something goes wrong. i wish i didn’t know you would just hang up on a crying me to go to work because work is more important. sometimes i wish you still could hang up on me because now you don’t even pick up my calls anymore. i wish that you still remember me and us and everything but it seems like you don’t.

i make up lots of excuses in my head. maybe you’re busy, but that got tired after 5 days of you not picking up at different times of the day. maybe you got someone new and she hates it when i call (although i do not believe someone else would be better for you). maybe something bad happened and you do not feel ready to share it with anyone and you’ll come to me when you feel ready….

but

maybe this is god’s way of telling me that he has someone better planned for me. nobody can replace you as a person, but maybe god only put you in my life to prepare me to appreciate the next one that comes along, because i was never the most appreciative child.

secretly, i still wish that person would be a new you who has sorted out your thoughts, and decided that it is time to come home to me.

fuck. i miss you.

yesterday

was a really really good day.

alone:
woke up late, walked out to buy lunch: chicken rice+ teh cino ice
walked out to clementi mrt from utown.. long but therapeutic walk.
took the train to city hall and then walked over to bras basah complex
art friend where i bought a few canvases,
walked around looking at the other crafty things i know i’d never get to if i bought them.
decided to roam around bras basah and realized that there are so many amazing shops
cat socrates: sold the most quirky and cute things
book stores: stacks and stacks of books that smelled really good
records store: old man running a record store, i walked around looking at album art from the past
i was so happy from doing that/

dexian:
my friend who just got back from being overseas in a navy expedition
he looked the same
talked about our friends, the things that happened, and about his trip, about uni
took the train back to clementi, bought koi for my friends and his girlfriend
walked the same road back to utown
hung out in my room for a bit before he had to go off
the world is so small

had dinner with the canopusians

jiheon:
watched an episode of world’s strictest parents (2 auzzie kids coming to stay with a singaporean family…….)
he fell asleep

vertical marathon:
obviously, i didnt run but i went to support my friends who were running
passed cara a book i got for her from bras basah–she loved it which made me happy too
cheered on people who completed it.. i salute them
met gwyneth my peer mentor for awhile to discuss what i want to do for the next few years
i can’t believe how nice people in usp are
and the vertical marathon was a (completely!) student-run event
shamelessly joined in the group photo with the runners…

cara:
she came over to borrow a photoframe for her drama class
it’s always such a blast with that girl
we were screaming, giggling, cuddling, moaning (ikr) and shouting
had a mini rock concert to avril lavigne with de-o and febreze bottles as mics
flopped around my room and jiheon made us twg french earl grey
moved on to ji’s room where we flopped around more
they raved about their indie music which i guess i should start listening to too…
tas bought supper for us from raffles hall
cara left and we ate our food

cindy:
hopped over to cindy’s room (15th floor is such a lovely floor)
she smoked while we flopped around her room too
talked about all the movies we wanna watch
and the potluck/art party we wanna have on friday night
and the club/bar we wanna propose to prof richardson
showed her what i got from cat socrates and she thought it was cute too
she showed us a cool singaporean designer’s shop and i want to go check it out soon

jiheon:
went back to his room and we lied on the bed screaming john lennon’s imagine
then we stood up and gave a dance performance to those living in tembusu
drank the cold tea from earlier that night
it was really fun
and then we watched more world’s strictest parents and went to bed at 3+am

and

the whole day i did not think much about him at all, which is a good sign because i should not. although it sucked that he did not actually contact me at all i guess it’s fine because i had my friends with me. i think life is good and i hope everyday i will be able to write such lists of things i am thankful for.

 

 

1:11am

just 12 hours ago, i was spending time with the most amazing girl i know. she’s smart, popular, gorgeous, funny, generous, loyal, trustworthy, dependable and you can continue using other positive adjectives to describe her. i picked her up from her place, and we drove to have supper nearby: egg prata, cheese prata, teh ice and milo ice. drove back and sat in my car for 2 hours just to talk. i held her hands occasionally and they were so cold and i tried to rub them to keep them warm, and sometimes put my head on her lap.

i love her so much, but she is really sad. i hate how that person made her so sad. i cannot fathom why she would allow someone to treat her that way and it really angers me that i cannot even help her and at the end of everything, she still loves that person so much and would give everything to be with that person….

then again, the crazy bitch in me understands what she’s going through: how i become deliriously happy from a simple text/ conversation this unassuming, average-looking, (old), unapproved man i just love for no particular reason. how i squeak to myself whenever he tells me he misses me

sigh i wish we both didn’t wish we need more from other people but life/love just does not work like that-

3:51am

hi it’s now the time in the title and i can’t sleep

it’s been almost 2 weeks since what happened happened and i still don’t know if i’m okay. things have gone on with so much normalcy and it feels as though nothing happened at all. i still text you in the mornings and you still call me when you get home, i still miss you all the time and beg you to tell me you miss me too when we talk.

i keep thinking about how in a parallel universe things would be so different

my mind is so boggled with so many complex thoughts that i don’t really know where to begin

i have realized these few days that i think you’re really my soulmate: that we are just two different bodies with the same heart. i used to ask why you love me and get frustrated when you can’t give me a long list of reasons of my amazing qualities that attracts you. but hey, now i understand why you always reply with ‘i love you just because i love you lah‘ just because we both hurt each other so badly, and have no sane reason to continue loving each other, but we still come back to us at the end of the day.

it’s funny i should even use the word continue or sane to describe us because

(1) how can our love be sane? we’ve been through so much together, so many intimate and personal/ difficult and heart-wrenching/ depressing and unbearable moments, moments so private only both of us will ever know

(2) is love really limited by the concept of time? sometimes i still feel like i just met him, just began talking to a lonely looking boy at the corner and was so captivated by how he was so interested in every stupid thing i was telling him and he had only asked me out for breakfast and i had only just asked him to lean in closer so i could kiss his lips? has it really been so long? sometimes i feel that we’re still in this fuzzy honeymoon stage other people use to define stages in relationships

i remember you telling me that i was the one for you, and that hurt recently when what happened happened, but i thought about it through and through and i figured out that even if you met her, hugged her, kissed her or even fucked her, i should have nothing to worry about because i know that she and you will never have what we have together. i should know better because i felt nothing when i was with him.

i promised that we would not talk about it anymore, and i’m trying my best, and she gets more and more insignificant and distant day by day, and you tell me you’re sorry and that you’re glad that you didn’t meet her and that you’re now even more sure than before that you never want to be with someone else.

we now talk more calmly, like stepping on eggshells i feel more conscious of the way i’m walking, i’m more conscious of the way we’re talking. i no longer get angry at small things because what are the small things when all i want is you coming home to me every night? you no longer get frustrated with me as easily and we both acknowledge that we need to stop taking each other for granted

i appreciate how that somehow helped our relationship but my problem is how sad it is that we needed that as a wake up call but that is okay because we are both somehow manage to coordinate transitions in our lives that it must’ve caused our troubles.

and you promised me we’d be okay, and that we’d still have our future basset hound, Fluffy, our kids Shellives and i can still be the housewife that waits for you to come home to our lovely home (that i get to be chief decorator on) every night. and i still have faith in what we both want and will have

but now i need to get some sleep, and pray that you will get well soon from your fever.

Yesterday night

I remember sitting in the parked car with Stacy, talking to her, telling her my problems

and feeling like I’m the luckiest girl to have met someone like her.